How to allow yourself to rest?

If you come across this article, you feel something is not right. You went through the hardship of raising the newborn, sleepless nights, compromising on doing the bare minimum that helps you to feel yourself, a woman or even a human! Are feeling guilty when you allow yourself to rest?

That big milestone (whether it’s the end of breastfeeding journey, returning back to work, your child going to school), you were so desperately waiting for, that supposed to change everything for the better – finally happened. Yet, nothing changed. You are still tired, the house is a mess, an overwhelming feeling like you are failing everyone is even stronger. The guilt doesn’t let you sleep at night. You have a healthy, beautiful child, roof above your head, a partner from whom you can have ‘childcare’ expectations. I have always been thinking about fellow mums that are single, fleeing war or raising a child that is disabled. I have no right to feel burned out, overstimulated or unhappy when I have all the things other mamas don’t even dream about. Sounds familiar?

Well, you are you. You have a full right to feel any emotion you have, regardless of how good or bad life is coming across. You need to understand that society puts an enormous pressure on us – mothers, women and it is impossible to meet everyones expectations. Postpartum doesn’t magically end at 6 weeks mark (did your husband circled the date on a wall diary, writing SEXY TIME  in capital letters?). It doesn’t even end at 6 or 12 months. It takes our bodies 2 years to heal physically from birth. Bodies that were glorified during pregnancy, but suddenly you have to hide, cover and tuck away any evidence. You are having a PAID (I’ll leave this without a comment) time of work but you don’t have time to have a shower, cook dinner or sort 5 laundry baskets piling in every corner. You are expected to give yourself in full at work and home at the same time. Are you a superhuman or what? Well, let me tell you… YOU ARE!

Imagine you are starting a new job. You have negotiated a salary, working hours, written terms and conditions, paid holiday allowance, have been emailed a staff handbook by the HR department highlighting your statutory employee rights. Assuming there is no Karen in your department everything goes smoothly. Hold on… Now you have a new boss. They expect you to work 24/7, no paid holidays, no sick leave, you are denied sleep, harassed on an everyday basis and they suck your tits dry. Legit! Yet, you love your new boss very much. After a while, it’s time to stretch yourself even more. Your previous boss wants you back… so now you work two jobs. 

This might sound absolutely mental, but let it sit with you for a while. Allow yourself to rest. You are allowed to do anything that helps you feel like you again. Whatever that means to you. You might want to sleep, binge watch Netflix, work on your vegetable patch, spend time home alone you have decorated so beautifully – without feeling like you’re wasting time not dealing with piling chores.

The day I came across this list online, made me wonder. Yes! This is all the stuff I need in my life. I WANT IT ALL! Not only to be kinder to myself but to become a better mother for my children. I didn’t know how to do that, every single point seemed to be unachievable. Sometime after I experienced my first epiphany moment when I walked my 5 year old to school. We are late, running down the road, her little brother crying in the pram as he’d rather be held at this exact moment. People passing by are giving me judgmental looks or whisper ‘Oh dear’ under their nose as I have no other option than to ignore his loud whimper. Dear daughter asks out of the sudden ‘Mummy, when will you go back to work so daddy can stay home with us and not you?’

It felt like being stabbed straight into my martyred mother’s heart. Internal rage has flooded me instantly. I have given up my body, my career, my freedom, MYSELF to bring you to this world, to raise you and bend myself backwards to deliver anything you might need to look back into your childhood and call it ‘happy’. Yet, I am perceived as this filled with anger, a sad and overwhelmed housewife opposed to daddy who travels the world for work and brings presents from every trip. Annoying fact is that he doesn’t even love to travel as much as I do, but he is the one strolling down Gardens by the Bay in Singapore at this exact moment.

I handled my response with tact and love and pledged to myself that my travel journey begins today! Light bulb moment! It is travel that fulfils all my 7 out of 9 types of rest at the same time!*

I certainly wasn’t in a position to just slam the door and look at the airport’s departure board to pick and choose where I am going to escape today. It only took a year of preparation from my big wake up moment to actually being at the airport child free since 2017. First six months were focused on weaning my very strong willed, exclusively breastfed son. Once boobies retired, the next step was to convince men in the house they would manage without me. 2nd of March 2024 I was at Manchester Airport Departure Lounge reading a book for the first time in a year and a half absolutely buzzing inside. Rotterdam & Amsterdam here I come!

Why won’t I travel with my children? I am! But it’s hard to call it a rest, when it’s just a parenting at the different location – usually 10 times harder!

*For points 8 and 9) I booked my son for an extra weekly session in nursery so I can be alone at home and that day do as I please.